untitled:

She lay under a pile of blankets listening to the rain beat on the windows. It was cold, but she was refraining from turning the furnace on. It may have been warm for December, but it was still cold, and it was too expensive to run the heat. So she lay listening to the rain. And for every drop of rain that hit the window, a thought raced through her mind. She felt as though her surroundings were new to her, even though she'd lived in the small apartment for three years now. Silently a tear fell from her eye, but she brushed it away dismissing the thoughts that created it.

She took a deep breath. Breathing in the scent of her own freshly washed hair, the lingering scents of candles that had been lit earlier, and for a brief moment she thought she smelled him. This caught her off guard. It had been quite some time since she'd even let him cross her mind, but every once in a while he'd creep in and she would think of all the possibilities had things worked out in her favor. But he was gone, the only things left were a few pictures and memories that were already beginning to fade with time.

Her mind moved quickly to more prevalent things affecting her life. She'd gotten herself into plenty of messes in her life, but it seemed that she dug herself a deeper hole every time she'd managed to climb out of another. Between work stresses, finances, and a dwindling social life that was causing her to lose touch with her friends, she was beginning to lose hope of finding her way out.

There were small victories. And she reminded herself that there had been more victories lately. No matter how small. Her bills were current, for once. She'd managed extra hours to pay off a couple outstanding bills. And she was following through with the recent promise to herself to take better care of herself. But still something was missing.

She drifted slowly into a fitful sleep.

When she woke the next morning it was still chilled, but the rain had subsided to a gray cloud cover. The first thought in her head drove her from her bed to her day planner to make a list of all the things she needed to accomplish that day, knowing she'd never have the energy to get it all done. That was her main problem. A lack of drive.

Her mind muddled, she took a shower to clear her thoughts and get started on the things she needed to do. And she began to take the steps necessary to change her life. But where would she go? And would she ever get there?

She has to. She can't stay here.


(Originally posted December 14, 2007 at 7:30 pm)