It's in the Midst of a Hurricane...

It's in the Midst of a Hurricane, Where I Find my Peace...

I'm in the mood for verbal diarrhea. I know I want to get things off my chest, but (there's a first for everything right?) I don't want it all to come out unfiltered.

In the past few weeks, I have been blind-sighted by "family," taken a couple financial blows, and stabbed in the back by "friends." At at this point, I have stepped back, and the only word that comes to my mind to assess this? "Interesting."

Looking back, I know the mistakes I made that contributed to my problems. I also know the steps I have taken and am taking, and will hopefully continue to make. I am fortunate enough to have a great support structure of true family and real friends that helped me to see that I can handle these events in my life that I previously thought I was ill-equipped for.

I was beaten to my own punchline.

I had about half of what she'd written prepared in a draft, staring at me, telling me to finish it, when she messaged. Then I read. And I cried.
I don't let others see these tears streaming down my face. It's weakness. It's shameful. And it's absolutely amazing to me that it still effects me. Truth is, my instincts were right. I got ex'd. Again. I need a sign out front of my house that says, "Miss your Ex? Date me for a few weeks!" Because, as it was so eloquently put, this repeatedly happens to me. We joke about how I bring the ex out of everyone, and laughing on the outside, while inside my heart breaks again and again. This isn't a one or two time deal here, this is EVERY SINGLE TIME I START TO SEE SOMEONE. In fact, unless it's something I break off out of boredom early, I get dumped for the ex. It's so redundant now.
I'm so tired of it.

I don't know how to explain the feelings. Disappointment, Hurt, Anger, Inadequacy, it's all a mish-mosh of negativity.

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This was written a few months ago. I didn't have the heart to post it. Admitting that truth wasn't something I was ready for. But they say time heals all wounds, but in all honesty I think I just keep re-opening old ones. Names and faces may change, but the hurt doesn't.

As I write this now, I am still in relationship limbo. Waiting to get ex'd again, as I now find myself (once again) developing feelings for someone whom I'm fairly certain doesn't reciprocate the feelings I have. And even so, knowing this, I can't help but wonder if it's really a "the heart wants what the heart wants" or if I am just subconsciously a glutton for punishment.

"Life begins just outside your comfort zone."
Guess I'd better gear up. Because I have some changes to make...