quick synopsis

Quick Synopsis:
1) My Best Friend's Mom passed yesterday. I don't know how to help her. I am going to send her a card and be there for her in anyway I can. But I am trying to step back so that I'm not in her way. I know there's a lot going on, and that she will call me when she's ready to talk, or has the time. I just wish there was something more I could do.
2) Haven't slept more than two hours in a week. I can't get to sleep when my mind is racing, and every time I hear a noise I jump about a million feet. Not to mention when I finally do sleep, I'm plagued with nightmares. Being outside when someone else is outside four houses down firing off bullets has proven more traumatizing than I thought.
3) The "Backstabbers" are passive aggressive. Fortunately, I haven't noticed anything there, I have been so busy with everything else, it gets missed until pointed out. And even then, I just can't give a shit. Sorry, I don't have time for whiny, judgemental, immature, money grubbers. I have real life problems. And I'm sorry that you feel the need to complain about me because I put my mortgage before your stupid parties. Wait. No, I'm not sorry about that one.
4) My house is still falling apart.
5) Garage is leaning more. Also falling apart.
6) My insurance doesn't cover what??? Just what I need, medical bills.
7) Car got fixed. Still paying for it.
8) Why is this liquid coming out of my nose?
9) And what is this lump in my armpit?
10) Department Review anyone? We have to have meetings (that take time) to discuss that we are overworked, understaffed, and underpaid?

On the plus side, my puppies are doing well. :) I have been juggling all this fairly well. I am just really, really tired. I have opted to attempt to hibernate this weekend. Around Bridesmaid's dress shopping, and service appointments for the car. You know. It's life. Upwards and Onwards!

It's in the Midst of a Hurricane...

It's in the Midst of a Hurricane, Where I Find my Peace...

I'm in the mood for verbal diarrhea. I know I want to get things off my chest, but (there's a first for everything right?) I don't want it all to come out unfiltered.

In the past few weeks, I have been blind-sighted by "family," taken a couple financial blows, and stabbed in the back by "friends." At at this point, I have stepped back, and the only word that comes to my mind to assess this? "Interesting."

Looking back, I know the mistakes I made that contributed to my problems. I also know the steps I have taken and am taking, and will hopefully continue to make. I am fortunate enough to have a great support structure of true family and real friends that helped me to see that I can handle these events in my life that I previously thought I was ill-equipped for.

I was beaten to my own punchline.

I had about half of what she'd written prepared in a draft, staring at me, telling me to finish it, when she messaged. Then I read. And I cried.
I don't let others see these tears streaming down my face. It's weakness. It's shameful. And it's absolutely amazing to me that it still effects me. Truth is, my instincts were right. I got ex'd. Again. I need a sign out front of my house that says, "Miss your Ex? Date me for a few weeks!" Because, as it was so eloquently put, this repeatedly happens to me. We joke about how I bring the ex out of everyone, and laughing on the outside, while inside my heart breaks again and again. This isn't a one or two time deal here, this is EVERY SINGLE TIME I START TO SEE SOMEONE. In fact, unless it's something I break off out of boredom early, I get dumped for the ex. It's so redundant now.
I'm so tired of it.

I don't know how to explain the feelings. Disappointment, Hurt, Anger, Inadequacy, it's all a mish-mosh of negativity.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This was written a few months ago. I didn't have the heart to post it. Admitting that truth wasn't something I was ready for. But they say time heals all wounds, but in all honesty I think I just keep re-opening old ones. Names and faces may change, but the hurt doesn't.

As I write this now, I am still in relationship limbo. Waiting to get ex'd again, as I now find myself (once again) developing feelings for someone whom I'm fairly certain doesn't reciprocate the feelings I have. And even so, knowing this, I can't help but wonder if it's really a "the heart wants what the heart wants" or if I am just subconsciously a glutton for punishment.

"Life begins just outside your comfort zone."
Guess I'd better gear up. Because I have some changes to make...

To the person that parked so close to my car that I had to get in on the passenger side and crawl over to the driver seat: I have deemed you asshat of the day.

_______________

Today has been hectic. I was called in early and asked to work a twelve tomorrow, which has turned into an eleven, now. Too much to do, not enough time, and constant interruption. But the cherry on my day, was trying to squeeze in a quick lunch, and getting out to my car only to realize I barely fit between the cars, and I would not be able to get in on the driver side. How rude can a person be? There is no way they didn't realize how close they were to my car... Forgive and forget I suppose. But seriously, I really am going to try hard not to pull a douchebag move like that, ever.

Hello, my name is Angela, and I have been writing posts to a blog and not publishing them... 'sigh'

I have been so wrapped up in my life that I have been neglecting things I love. Writing, singing, running, even family and friends. Any more I feel like I have SOO much to juggle, and I am guilty of letting a few balls drop to the floor. It's difficult today. It's not easy being husband, wife, maid, landscaper, dog mom, employee, friend, sister, daughter, cousin, (soon to add "Aunt"), handyman, driver, dreamer, writer, singer, keeper upper in politics/news/community, church goer, charitable helper, chef, etc, the list goes on forever. Today we (I'm sure a LOT of people feel this way) are made to wear so many hats. But when do we get to rest, reflect, and enjoy? I take time off and it gets filled to the point where I am so rushed trying to pack everything in, that I spent a chunk of my vacation wishing I hadn't even taken it. What was the point in that?

I have been trying to self-reflect lately, perhaps if I have a better sense of self, I will be able to wear all my hats smoothly. Even better, remove the hats I don't need weighing me down any longer.

A friend of mine has decided to write a book about her life. I have actually started this process, several times, and either stopped b/c I was ashamed of my own actions, or afraid of hurting people I care about.
But it wasn't until a conversation about this subject, in which I said this out loud that I realized my reasons. There are a lot of things I have done that I am not proud of. But the lessons I learned from my mistakes, play a very intricate role in who I am. But the idea of sharing some of these things with the world, is terrifying to me. And what do I include, and what do I leave out?

I wrote a daily journal RELIGIOUSLY for YEARS. I stopped about 6 years ago. When a "friend" got nosy. When my life started spiraling out of control. When I stopped caring. When I should have been documenting most, b/c then maybe I could read and figure out what was going through my head that I did some of the things I did. Now I have my lists, at least. I can tell you based on my calendar and daily lists all about that day. But I miss my journal.

It's not pretty. But if my story can help someone,maybe it would be worth it. Where I am today truly is light years from where I was. But the idea of truly coming clean about how much I marred things? That idea horrifies me.

But yet, continue to periodically add to my drafts...